Acceptance

The term acceptance - a noun the act of taking or receiving something offered

a positive welcome; favor and endorsement

an act of believing or assenting

I never completely understood this word. And even now I am not sure if I do. And I have to remind myself that acceptance is an everyday thing and we can never find enough.  The story I am about to tell maybe out of order and confusing but this is a way of reminding myself the acceptance is forever apart of my entire family’s life.  Our friends’ too



12.29.2010 10:34am



December 28^th - A.J., my mom, and I go to Hartford Hospital for a check-up and non-stress test. Two weeks ago I was told if Colton did not grow that I would have to be induced because there is a greater chance Colton will not make it if he stopped growing. I am completely convinced that he grew and didn’t prepare myself for the possibility of not returning home that day. I fell different. I fell bigger. I will be coming home. Well off we go and we all find out that I am not going to my non stress test. I am admitted and induced. I am not only shocked but scared. Not scared to be a mom I have been ready to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I love babies. I love kids. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be two things. A wife. A mother. But I am scared for Colton. They are going to force a baby into the world that is not ready or he would be here. He has health concerns he should decide when he is ready. Why? Because their computers say he has not grown. I know he has. I know but that does not matter at the moment. I lay in an open ultrasound room with A.J. - I start crying.

While pregnant, A.J. and I had to accept that we were having a baby that was not like everyone else’s baby. The little boy that we had decided to call Colton Walter was different. But by realizing that everyone is different and if we were not different the world would be a very boring place I was able to bring myself to acceptance of the situation. Now I have to accept that 2011 would not be Colton’s birth year. That he would be here before New Year’s. That the countless hospital visits, doctor visits, and therapy visits that babies with Down Syndrome and special hearts have would be starting early. Then I realized that I had accepted Colton but maybe not the different lifestyle that Colton would bring. The ride from the office to maternity is really a blur. I remember small talk but I have not the slightest idea what I said if anything. I had tried my best to keep positive. He will be fine. It is better than the doctors think. I know he will be prefect!

I remember stopping at the sign in desk. I was told I could have three people in the room. I have three people that I would want A.J. and our moms and it just so happens that those three people were there (or soon would be) to share this with us.

12.29.2010 3:07am

Once in the labor/delivery I am told that either way I would have been induced because my blood pressure is high and I am diagnosed with preeclampsia and I have already started dilating. This gave me some acceptance of what was happening to me. I am a control freak. And I fell very out of control of what is going on. I am not ready for this. I am not ready.

We are given a room that has a mini-NICU attached so that Colton could be taken in and asset and if need be and then taken straight to the NICU one floor down. A few hours pass and all I can do is lay in bed. The medicine I was on to prevent seizures also prevented me from doing anything. Whatever is best for Colton and that is why I am here. Colton. Form the moment that I found out I was pregnant I wanted to do what was best for our baby.

I am pushing and need a break. I tell the doctor and she says. “With every contraction baby’s heart drops with the next contraction we need a baby.” I have no clue where it came from but…

1:58am on December 29^th Colton Walter. I hear him cry. I hear someone say “he is crying that is good.  His cry is healthy.” A.J. goes with him into the NICU. He comes out a few minutes later. It fells like forever though. Forever. A.J. tells me “He is doing great. They are going to be bringing him out for you to hold him soon!” My heart snuck. The one thing that I feared the most. I was not going to be able to hold him when he was born is gone. HE is going to be out. I get to hold him. Sigh.

When the nurse lays him in my arms HE IS PERFECT! All I can do is look at him. Again, I cry. But this time it is because I am mom. A.J. is dad. Colton is ours. Not only is he ours but he is perfect! Although he is doing great he has to go to the NICU because he has a special heart. I am not allowed out of bed for another 24 hours. So I do not get to see him.  Again, all I can do is lay in bed.  I lay in bed thinking of all the other mothers that even though they are bed bound can hold their babies. Deep breath. I need to find a way to make this okay. Okay how and I make it okay that I can not hold my baby. How can I make it okay that A.J. can only stand beside his bed. He is a newborn he needs to be held. He is going to cry and cry he does not know what is going on he needs his mommy. His daddy. He needs comfort. He needs us his parents.  It is okay because what is happening is best for Colton. Best for Colton. Acceptance.

12.30.2010 10:16am

My mind goes to something happy...  Hahahaha! Stopped growing! 5 pounds 11 ounces and 2½ weeks early. That is great when just a few hours ago he was 5 pounds 2 ounces … Yeah your computers work great! I was right he did not stop growing.  Finding acceptance for the fact that I was right was really easy.